Social Skills 101
I recently attended a workshop with author and speaker Bob Burg (Endless Referrals) who talked about some of the most common mistakes people make in networking. Things like shoving business cards at someone and telling them you’re the best realtor, life insurance salesperson or you have the best “whatchamacallit” in the biz are sure fire ways to turn off a prospect. His sage advice and system for networking revolves around a very simple but powerful principle: get over yourself and focus on the client or prospect. But do it in a way that is non-intrusive and sincerely interested in the other person.
His message made me acutely aware of a pattern I see repeatedly in both business and social situations. The perpetrators likely don’t even realize their behavior is potentially damaging to their credibility, and even more to their likeability.
Here’s the pattern that pops up time and again: Someone approaches me (or anyone else for that matter) and immediately begins telling their story, talking about their activities, their latest personal breakthrough or whatever. Meanwhile the person who has inadvertently become the listener is subjected to a monologue they may have little or no interest in. Talk about a turn-off!
One of the hallmarks of emotional intelligence is the ability to monitor your own emotional states and behaviors, notice others’ state and behavior, and adjust accordingly to produce a win-win relationship or result. Here are some tips for improving your social savvy:
1) Remind yourself that others really don’t care about you and your story. Remember, everyone has their personal antennae tuned to radio station WII-FM…What’s In It For Me?
2) Get into the habit of taking a sincere interest in others before expecting them to be interested in you. Use simple bridge statements to connect with the person you’re speaking to. Examples include simple but sincere compliments such as “You look great today!” or, a sincerely interested, “How has your week been?” These kinds of comments and questions signal to others that you’re interested in them.
3) Use Bob Burg’s feel-good questions when networking: “Tell me how you got into XYZ business.” “What is the most challenging aspect of your business?” And finally, “How can I know if someone I meet is a good candidate for your product or service?” For Bob’s complete list, refer to his book Endless Referrals, or visit his website at www.bobburg.com.
4) Pay attention to non-verbal cues others are sending. If you notice someone looking at their watch when you’re talking, it’s a clue. Are they looking away? Another clue. Are they turning their body away slightly, as if in an effort to close you out? Take the hint! If you can see that someone is involved in a focused conversation with another, politely excuse yourself or simply mention that you’d like to connect when the person you want to speak to is free. But don’t just stand there as if eavesdropping or waiting your turn to talk.
5) Become a student of the fine art of conversation. My friend, fellow coach and speaker Loren Ekroth is an expert in conversational savvy and writes about it weekly in his ezine “Conversation Matters.” I always learn something from reading his weekly messages. To subscribe, go to www.conversation-matters.com.
I challenge you to monitor your behavior in social situations. If you’ll practice putting others needs ahead of your own, you’ll find people naturally gravitating toward you. If you find it difficult to make connections, take an honest look at your behavior. Are you hogging conversations? Boring others with your personal stories? Failing to take a sincere interest in others? Or intruding on others’ conversations either verbally or non-verbally?
Remember the old adage, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Starting today, put this rule into practice and watch what happens.
Betty Mahalik has been coaching small business owners, independent professionals and leaders who want to achieve more but stress less, since 1996. Her background includes several years in the broadcasting and public relations fields prior to starting her own firm in 1987. She is an accomplished public speaker and corporate trainer specializing in communications, goal-setting and leveraging your strengths. Since 2001, she has written a weekly motivational message, free to subscribers, titled Monday Morning Coach.
