The Alternative Broadcasting Online News Station

You can talk to any person in America and they will tell you that the United States Congress needs to be cleaned up. Not a single person I have talk to has disagreed with that statement and I have traveled to every single city in the United States all over 10,000 people in population in the last four years. I have not talked to one single person; rich or poor, black or white, atheist or Christian who denies that we need to clean up Congress.

Well, having run a pressure washing business and having learned a little bit about cleaning things up it seems to me that the answer is simple we must pressure wash all the congressman and all the congresswomen and all of their facilities and offices. We must do this with high-pressure hot water at no less than 200 degrees Fahrenheit.

The sooner we pressure wash Congress the better off the American people will be and the sooner we can get back to a government, which is for the people and by the people and abides by the Constitution of United States of America. Now some people might find this funny and rather hilarious.

But I am completely serious and we must pressure wash Congress as soon as possible to protect the American people from the government that is getting so large it almost doesn’t need the people anymore. Indeed this is a scary thought.

A government, which is owned by the people and for the people and which no longer needs the people. If we do not pressure wash Congress who is to say they will not soon pressure watch us, as we are no longer needed? Consider all this in 2006.

This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around our sprawling estate, I realized that my life is just way too laid back. What with our perfect children, our incredible level of financial independence and perfect hard bodies, I felt inspired to do something to shake things up a bit.

“Hey, Mr. Man,” I said to my sweet Baboo, “What do you say we get up real early in the morning and drive two hours to a hospital as big as Disney World so I can get their Monday Thyroid Biopsy Special? I think that would be a hoot.”

“Why sure, Honey,” said Man. “I think that’d be just a swell idea. Let’s do that.”

And so we did. We woke up at dawn, picked out the perfect matching his and her outfits and had our driver take us to the big city while we drank champagne in the back of the limo.

“Ms. Crazy On Your Face, how lovely to see you,” said my physician. “Before we begin, let me tell you a little about the procedure. I will be taking samples of fluid from the lumps in your swan-like neck, which will require the use of several needles of varying lengths. You’re in charge, so if you feel any discomfort, just tell me and I’ll stop.”

“Say, Doc. What about the use of some sort of numbing agent for this possible discomfort of which you speak?” I asked.

“Oh, I don’t like to use those kinds of medicines before this type of procedure. I find it makes my job more difficult and I’m way too important to have to work hard,” said Dr. Evil. “Besides, you’ll be fine”.

Everyone in the room agreed that what is most important in a situation like this one is keeping it simple for the doctor.

Before I knew it, Dr. Demento placed a pillow under my shoulders and tilted my head backwards as far as it could go. It was as close as I had come to doing a back bend since I was fifteen and trying to impress the testosterone carriers of East Rutherford High.

“Just relax, Dear. But no matter what, do not move one tiny, tiny bit or else something terrible and irreversible could happen to you. And of course, I have no intentions of telling you what that is, so it’ll be a complete surprise.” he said. “Ok. Here comes the first little stick.”

Hmmm.

“Excuse me, Doctor,” I said calmly. I think you have confused me with another patient. I’m not here to have the ‘Bic ink pen jammed in your throat’ biopsy.”

“Are you feeling some discomfort?” he asked.

“Why, yes. Now that you mention it, I am.”

“Mr. Man, would you come sit beside your overdramatic woman and allow her to hold your hand for support before we begin again?” I took Mr. Man’s hand in mine, and drew in a deep breath just like Dr. Torture advised in order to lessen my discomfort. As everyone knows, breathing in and out is every bit as good as a morphine drip. Sometimes, if I don’t carefully monitor my breathing at home, I get good and stoned.

“Ok. A little stick again.”

“Wow. That’s odd,” I calmly said to Doc Devil. “When you said ‘little stick’ I didn’t realize you were talking about the one you had picked up from your backyard at home. I’m going to need you to remove the oak branch you have thrust into my neck as it is entirely unpleasant.”

“Are you feeling discomfort?” the sorry son of a cherry picker asked.

“In fact, I am,” I answered. “And judging by the tears streaming down Mr. Man’s face, I’m guessing he is feeling a certain level of discomfort as a result of the large number of bones I have shattered in his hand.”

“Nurse Torture, would you mind giving me the biggest needle you can possibly find for my third stick?” Dr. Satan instructed. “If you can’t find one at least a foot long, call my wife and ask her to bring something from the private collection I keep in my chamber…uh, I mean my basement.”

And so with what resembled a sharp railroad spike hovering over my face, he reminded me again to relax. Once more I heard those magic words, “Little stick.”

What happened next you will likely hear more about when I am interviewed by Diane Sawyer from my prison cell. Let’s just say I may have caused him a slight amount of discomfort when I attached his Sphynomanometer to his family jewels and ever so gently put his Otoscope in some place other than his ear.

Hey, it’s not like I didn’t warn him. “Take a deep breath, Big Boy,” I said. “You’re about to feel a little stick.”

Sher Bailey is a freelance writer living somewhere in the midwest, very likely in a trailer park or a van down by the river. Quite the recluse, she makes only the occasional appearance in the Moon Pie section of Wal-Mart or at road side stands that sell pictures of Elvis on crushed velvet.
Read more at http://www.Wiping-The-Crazy-Off-My-Face.com.

The Story of My Dog and Why You Should Care

It all began when I was 11 years old. That day, my mom was taking us (the kids) to Arnold’s Hey and Grain, a food store for animals. As we were approaching the door, something caught my eye: a little dog (4 months old). The puppy was situated in a cage and was lying down on his tubby little belly. He looked at me with BIG, HUGE, BUG-eyes and whimpered. He looked so sad…so lonely…so isolated. I got down on my hands and knees and said to him, “Hey there, little puppy. You sure look lonely.” Then the dog looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Well duh. I’m stuck in this freakin’ cage sleeping in my own business and eating nasty doggy kibble. How about getting me outa here, you mental midget?” I replied with, “Sure thing, dude. I’ll buy you or something like that.” He rolled his bug eyes at me and stated, “You humans are all the same…” I smirked.
Well, a few minutes after my encounter, my mom walked out of the store with the rest of the brats. She noticed I was looking at the dog and commented about how cute he was. Then I remembered how much I wanted a dog and asked her if I could buy this one (as if I bought a puppy every day). To my astonishment, she said, “Maybe.”
YESSSS!!!!!
She looked in to the matter a little more and she decided to ask my dad whether or not we could get a dog. Again to my astonishment, he said, “Maybe.” Before I could purchase my furry friend, he made me promise him that I would feed him, brush him, walk him, burp him, change his diaper etc….
Of course I agreed not realizing the mess I got my self into. “Yeah whatever.” I said, “I’ll feed him, brush him, walk him, burp him, and change his diaper etc…”
So, we bought the little punk. It would take a day before we could actually pick him up. When that day came, I was more then ready to feed him, brush him, walk him, burp him, and change his diapers! When we got him to the car, he completely freaked out (I guess he was never in a car before). He jumped over the seats, he ran between our legs, he barked at oncoming cars, he screamed, he shouted, and he used words I would never use on this blog. When I asked him why he executed such juvenile behavior, he replied with, “Because I’m a dog, stupid. Plus I was told it’s great therapy - you should try it some time.” I shrugged and told him I had given that practice up a week ago.
It was really difficult to find a name for this dog, so I went through the lists of names common to a dog. “Zip, Butch, Rover, Cretan?” I thought to myself. All those names seemed too….stupid. So I named him “Richard.” He loved it.

As the months went by, he seemed to grow larger, more intelligent, but he never did lose his puppy-like features. Taking him on walks was moderately easy, except for one thing: Once he saw a person or location he wished to approach, he would tug and pull and coke himself until he would almost pass out. Once the animal rights people noticed this, they stated that this was total animal abuse and demanded they take possession of my dog - at least until they could find a suitable owner. Of course I told them I would do nothing of the sort. They did not like my little reply so we got in a gunfight and I won. He he, those losers…
One month before he turned 1, he mysteriously developed the bad habit of chasing cars (an activity that is commonly executed by dogs). After a few weeks of having my arm pulled off, my mom and I decided that we needed to take some serious action. But before we started beating the living waste out of Richard, I decided I needed to have a little “Boy-to-Dog” discussion.

“Richard, we need to discuss something…” I said.

“Make it quick, stooge. I have a tight schedule today.” He replied.

“Richard, you’ve gotta stop chasing after cars, you’re really hurting my arms.” I said.

“You’ll survive, Brian.” He replied.

“Not for long!! What do you suggest I do? I can’t seem to train you to not chase vehicles.” I said.

” Hey, I know: when you see a car coming, let me go.” He replied.

“That’s it, smart-butt, time to get aggressive with you!!!” I said

I bought a can of Bitter Apple, A spray that comes in a bottle and is affective against disobedient k9s. On our next walk, I took the can. This is how it went:

“Oh boy!!!” he said, “A car!!”

“Leave it, mutt!” I said.

“No.” he said.

“Yes.” I said.

“Die.” He said.

“That’s it!!! Take this!!!” I said as I sprayed the substance in his mouth.

“AAAAHHHGGGGGGG” he said, “I’m melting!!!!!”

“No you’re not.” I said.

“That stuff is N-A-S-T-Y! OK, I’ll follow your unreasonable demands.” He said.

“Good.” I said.

(We don’t believe in shouting, or yelling, so we use “said,” instead of “yelled” or “shouted.”)

After a few more sprays and “discussions,” Richard stopped chasing. I was obviously glad and so was he.
Although Richard has his difficulties, he has a lot more “good stuff” about him.

the “good stuff”

Richard is extremely intelligent when it comes to learning new tricks. I taught him how to shake my hand in about 6 minutes. I also taught him how to catch food in mid-air in about 9 minutes. He’s a very fast learner. He is also learning to stay in the front yard without darting after cats and other such mobile things. Although he is currently 2, he still looks and acts like a puppy. Not only is he cute, he is also a great guard dog (just take my word for it). Oh yeah, did I mention he can talk?

Well, I think you have a good idea what my dog is like, so remember: Before you go around ranting about how cool your dog is, just think about how much cooler my dog is.

Thank you and good night

About the Author

Brian T. is a conservative teen out to save the world from stupidity. He has authored many blogs and websites. His current blog is bloghogger.blogspot.com - a blog devoted to bashing liberalism.

Library Director? People often say to me when learning that I am a librarian that it must be fun working in a library and just reading books all the time. How little they know.

As a library director some of my duties include: buying books and supplies, keeping records of all library transactions, checking books in and out, shelving books, attending meetings and conferences and week-long seminars, calling on overdue books and sending reminders, doing bookwork totals daily, monthly and yearly for statistics and reports, publicity, organizing and overseeing various library programs, which include Summer Reading, preschool story time, book discussion groups, family night, teen night, coordinating volunteers, weeding out and discarding old and out of date books, shoveling snow, and spreading snow-melt in winter, sweeping sidewalks and watering shrubs in summer, borrowing books from other libraries for interlibrary loans, picking up mail daily at the post office, trying to keep people quiet so others can enjoy the library and helping patrons find books. We also help people on the computers, clean the bathrooms, wash windows, set up tables and chairs, vacuum the carpets, empty the wastebaskets, put trash out for garbage day, dust, clean and sweep entry.

As we say at our meetings: “We wear many hats and small town librarians’ jobs are a labor of love.” You can prove that just by looking at our salaries.

Marge has been writing all her life and has published two humor books. She is a library director in a small town in Southern Idaho and has just turned 62. She writes a local column called, “Granny’s Journal.”

Have you ever attempted to give some kind of a joke, for example at the beginning of a presentation, only to have it fall on what seems like terribly deaf ears? You are not alone. Depending on the context or the particular audience to which the humor is directed, very different results can occur.

Suppose you are in a very stuffy business meeting with very formal attire and a strict adherence to the protocol of the day. In this instance, you would be shooting yourself in the foot if you were to attempt any kind of low-brow or slapstick jokes of any kind. It simply will not work because of the fact that everyone in the audience is already in a very tense frame of mind and nobody will want to seem unprofessional by laughing or encouraging the joke teller.

On the other hand, let’s assume you are giving a talk to members of a kindergarten class. Would this be the appropriate time to try out some of your most sophisticated, dry humor? Of course not. Instead try to relate to the children with some jokes about toys, food, or parents. That will have those little kids rolling on the ground laughing in no time flat. And you’ll get a superb ego boost as well.

What about in the middle of the spectrum? Balance is the key. Don’t forget to judge for yourself whether or not your particular audience is right for lower or higher kinds of jokes and comedy.

Julie Hopkins enjoys research.

Title: Write, Publish and Market a Book with No Out-of-Pocket Money
Author: Kathleen Gage
Email: kathleen@turningpointpresents.com
Word Count: 1,819
Copyright: © 2005 by Kathleen Gage
Web Address: www.kathleengage.com

Publishing Guidelines: You may publish my article in your newsletter,
on your web site, or in your print publication provided you include
the resource box at the end. Notification would be appreciated but is not required.

Write, Publish and Market a Book with No Out-of-Pocket Money
By Kathleen Gage

Do you dream of having a book published, but don’t know where to turn? Already have a book, but unsure of how to promote it? Looking for cost effective high-return strategies to market your book? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the following information is for you.

Many writers and aspiring authors are under the mistaken belief if their book is published by a publishing house they can sit back and watch sales miraculously happen. Nothing could be further from the truth. Fact is, competition to have your manuscript noticed and published by a large house is extremely fierce. Additionally, no matter who publishes your book, you absolutely must take an active roll in marketing, promoting and selling your book.

Moreover, profit margins are not extremely good when you go through a publisher. Sure, if you sell tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of books, you make substantial amounts of money. In reality only a small percentage of writers achieve this level of success.

A great model for achieving success is to self-publish and actively promote your book. Self-publishing is one of the best ways to get your manuscript to market quickly is to. Another great benefit of self-publishing is you have complete control of the creative process. You make the decisions on content, editing, cover design, title and you reap the profits.

A primary downside with self publishing are costs involved. Depending on whether or not you hire an editor, designer, layout person and cost of printing, the initial outlay for self-publishing a book can be several thousands of dollars for the first run. Besides there are no guarantees your book will sell. However, you can lessen your risk of costs and increase your level of sales with a simple formula.

Imagine if you could self publish with no out of pocket money. Additionally, imagine gaining lots of free publicity and visibility in your market at the same time. I know this to be true, because I have done it.

The following formula is one that can be used by virtually anyone to raise funds to publish a book. In addition, you can gain great visibility, do the initial run with no out of pocket money and position yourself for volume sales.

Although the formula is rather simple in concept, it is not necessarily easy to do as it takes planning, time, effort, consistency and great follow up to make it work as well as possible.

You can write, publish and market a book with no out of pocket expenses by hosting a seminar with a topic that is linked to the book. In order to keep costs down in the rollout host the seminar in your local market. You can further offset costs by securing sponsors for the seminar. Event sponsors provide funding necessary to the costs of an event. They can either contribute in actual dollars or with in-kind offerings. Sponsors underwrite various aspects of an event.

I did this at the beginning of December with my most recent book, “101 Ways to Get Your Foot in the Door” and had an incredible response. Although there was a lot of work involved in the rollout the results were, and continue to be, incredible.

Besides writing content for the book each author had a very specific role. Mine was the marketing and promotions of the book. The first level was to develop a clear marketing strategy for my 3 co-authors and myself.

Prior to beginning the writing of the book, we developed a very detailed project plan. The plan included hosting an event to introduce the book to our local market.

Knowing the costs to an event such as we were planning, I knew it would be beneficial to secure sponsors. I developed a very solid proposal for sponsorship of the seminar. Because of very detailed information and showing the sponsors how they would gain from being involved, I was able to secure two excellent sponsors. One is a primary business newspaper in Utah and the other is an organization who targets start up businesses.

The paper was more than willing to do some advertising for the event in exchange for some great visibility and additional subscribers. The organization offset the costs of the room and audio-visual equipment in exchange for mentions in the advertising and all pre-event promotions. Both sponsors were given the opportunity to do a 5 minute presentation at the seminar and distribute promotional information to everyone in attendance. It was a win/win all the way around.

Had I not had a clear-cut proposal for the potential sponsors chances are I would not have secured their support. Also, I know it is easier to gain support from businesses who know me rather than trying to get sponsorship from an organization who has no idea who I am. The same will be true for most anyone.

With day of event expenses covered, we could now focus on generating revenue for publishing the book. This was done by pre-selling the book. Anyone who purchased the book sight unseen by November 28, 2004 was given a seat into the seminar on December 2nd.

With initial revenues from pre-seminar sales designed to offset book production costs we were able to write, market and publish the book with no out of pocket money. By utilizing the databases of all four authors, press releases, pre-event radio interviews and presentations at Chambers and local organizations, word of mouth promotions, and other low-cost/no-cost forms of promotions, we sold over 350 copies sight unseen. (Cost of the book is $19.95)

We had well over 200 people attend the seminar as some of the pre-event purchases were from folks who were out of the area.

A key to our success was having a functional website were the book was (and is) available. www.101waystogetyourfootinthedoor.com We utilized online credit card purchasing options for buyers. In that 80% of our sales were done with Internet and credit cards, we would have been remiss to not use this as a method to sell.

As we were pre-selling it was important to let people know that the cost of a seat into the seminar was the book. Also, if they didn’t make it to the seminar we would mail them the book for $4 more or they could pick it up. The $4 covered mailing costs. If we didn’t do this we would have cut way into our profit margin.

We made a strong point of letting people know they were buying the book, not the seat into the seminar. However, the only way into the seminar was to buy the book.

To gain even more value from the event and increase day of event revenues each author sold other products Back of the Room (BOR). One author sold a sales training program. The signups that day realized several thousand in additional revenue for her.

The two other authors sold specialty items and set up appointments for those who were interested in such things in their sales campaigns.

I sold my Street Smarts Marketing and Promotions program as an E-book. This helped me to generate several thousand in additional revenue. Knowing audience members were already interested in my material, I put together a special day of event package with three of my e-products bundled together. Everyone received one of my order forms upon registering.

At the end of my session I did a short sales presentation. All folks had to do was fill out the order form. With each sale, all I had to do was process their credit cards and email them the PDF document. No mailing costs or printing costs. Nearly a 100% profit margin.

Many self published authors shy away from doing presentations claiming to be an author and not a speaker. Fact is, if you get in front of a target audience who is interested in your topic and you present your ideas well the amount of books you can sell is incredible.

The book complimented by a well delivered presentation allow you to get in front of meeting planners who may be in a position to utilize your services and your book at a later date. You may also have representatives from companies who want to buy large quantities of your book.

Since the release of the book I have had some companies buy “101 Ways to Get You’re your Foot in the Door” in large quantities. Because Maxwell Publishing is my company and the book was published through Maxwell, I have the flexibility to do special runs. With a minimum purchase a client can add their logo to the front cover of the book and a personalized letter from whomever they choose included in the book. This is a great marketing tool for them with long-term benefits to their employees or customers.

Granted, myself and one of the other authors are professional speakers so presenting at an event such as I outlined is a part of our marketing model. However, two of the authors are not professional speakers per say. Yet, in their everyday business they do present frequently. However, with this event, it was a different type of presentation for them. They will be the first to admit that additional exposure and sales were worth doing this type of presentation.

Regardless of your topic the model we implemented can be used by virtually anyone. For example, if you have a book on nutrition, find a health food store who wants more foot traffic and visibility. They may be a perfect fit as a sponsor. Not only can they help you to offset costs they can help to promote the event. At the seminar you can promote their products with coupons, mentions and information provided. It’s a win/win.

If you have a book on real estate sales there’s bound to be a mortgage company who may be interested in sponsoring you. Perhaps they would be willing to buy a book for every real estate agent who does business with them. Or, they could give a book to each of their mortgage brokers.

If you have a book on childhood development, what about a baby clothing store? Perhaps the store would cross promote and give a book to each customer who buys a minimum amount of product in their store. This adds value from them to their customers and creates a win/win for you and the store.

In today’s world of writing, marketing and publishing a book, the possibilities are only limited by imagination.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Do you want to gain massive visibility within your market? Kathleen Gage can help you do just that. As a published author, keynote speaker and top rated award winning business advisor, Kathleen Gage teaches strategies that give high impact and high return. Sign up for Gage’s FR*EE Report “Learn How a Salt Lake City based consultant made over $100,000 from one idea” at www.kathleengage.com

My last piece I talked about associating or pairing up opposites to produce funny ideas. Today we associate SIMILARITY or CONGRUITY; by puting the same or similar objects, person or animals together to engender laughter.

One fine example is a pair of identical twins or two person wearing the same clothes. They naturally appear “odd” or “funny” to others. People will stare, giggle or whisper some cheeky or unkind remarks uder their breath. It’s a very normal response.

For cartoonists, this association of similarity can spawn lots of funny doodles. They can draw a person looking like an animal or two unrelated objects which are visually alike. The most popular is the garden hose partly hidden by the foliage and mistaken as a snake.

Caricature is a visual art form that employs the technique of congruity. It doesn’t look exactly like the actual person being drawn, but just a distorted or an exaggerated impression of the person and it looks kind of funny, doesn’t it?

Aside from visual art form, many verbal humor derives from this technique too. The most obvious form of verbal humor is the puns. A pun is a play on words, usually humorous based on several meanings of one word, or a similarity of meanings between words that are pronounced the same or the different in meanings between two words pronounced the same and spelled somewhat similarly. Following closely is another form verbal humor, called the double entendres. It can be a word or an expression having a double meaning, especially the second meaning is risque.

So, similarity breeds not only contempt, but comedy too!

A freelancer from MALAYSIA who dabbles in both visual and performing art. Cartooning, script-writing, acting in TV and movies, doing voice, sound and singing impressions under the stage-names: Wacky Willy and SFX-Man.

Read more articles and free tips at: http://funny-ideas.blogspot.com/

Reach me at: kertoon@yahoo.com

Perhaps I should explain. This list came to me after spending
one too many days dealing with airports and airplanes. Besides,
I thought it would be a nice change from the usual serious
travel tips and information I serve up on
www.guerrillatraveler.blogspot.com.

The Guerrilla Traveler

–Don’t worry; this baby can still fly just fine with only one
engine.

–$100 says this thing can too do a barrel roll.

–Let’s see if that loudmouth Delta pilot can play a little game
of “chicken”

–Captain, did you just say, “Thank you for flying Jihad
Airlines” ?

–No, I thought it was your turn to close the airtight door.

–Idiot! Never, never, set your coffee cup on that “Fuel Dump”
button.

–Wow, what a coincidence, it’s my first day on the job, too.

–Captain, why don’t you just put this thing on auto-pilot and
come join our little party?

–Does anyone know what that flashing red light thingy is?

–What do you mean, you just got us a 50% discount at our last
refueling stop?

–Tower, did you just say, “eeney, meeney, miney, moe?

–Here’s your parachute, here’s yours, and yours, and here’s
mine.

COPYRIGHT (c) 2006, Charles Brown. All rights reserved

Hello, Mick here.
When I should have been in short pants, but didn’t have any, medicine was hardly a tonic.
The nearest comparable thing to modern medicine was a type of Acupuncture

The most noticeable difference between it then, and now, is the needles.
We didn’t have medical grade stainless steel.

What we did have though, was an ample supply of bamboo chutes.
While these were considered organic, whatever that is, they were somewhat larger in diameter.

If time goes as slow for you as it does for me, then discover the virtues of ORIGINAL MEDICINE.

The science of putting such probes in particular nerve paths was more primitive, and one hundred times more effective.
Supposing that you had an earache, then I can guarantee you that you would only have it once.

An immature chute (three-inches in diameter) would be forcibly inserted directly to the site of the pain!! It was a similar deal for eye infections! Re-infections were non-existent!

In the off-chance that you had diarrhoea, then the treatment was local, rapid and somewhat final.

I won’t even mention toothache. We had no teeth! Indeed, teeth and any associated maladies, were considered to be a waste of good timber.

Eczema, psoriasis, acne and indeed migraine were migrant workers, as far as we were concerned.
Asthma was slightly different though, and was an herbal remedy for flatulence, not that we had much. It would be “lanced”, long before it would present a problem. Gaseous or otherwise.

Yes, our local clinic was never understaffed or under-resourced, such was the availability of bamboo.

Should a hungry dinosaur “happen” on your leg, arm, or anything except your head (this would have been considered to be a “threat”), a simple poultice made of Zinc (readily available at the 7/11), Selenium (unavailable, but anything starting with “S” was sufficient, and only your imagination could deprive you), and milk (from the milkman), would redirect the pain. Guaranteed!!!!

You had to be tough to survive medicine, and that was just practicing it.
To survive it as a patient required a sharp memory. If you “forgot” your previous visit, then ………..well then……longevity was not for you!

There was nothing trivial, repetitive or indeed actual, about the Hippocratic oath.
“Accept your fate, and relinquish your dinosaur eggs” as I remember it, was the motto of Medicine.

Mick,
medicinalmalice@thetrivialtimes.com

About the Author

Thick Mick is an “expert columnist” with the www.TheTrivialTimes.com

1. Which Christmas tree fact is NOT true?

A. Artificial Christmas trees have outsold real ones every year
since 1991.

B. Nova Scotia leads the world in exporting Christmas trees.

c. Franklin Pierce was the first president to decorate an
official White House Christmas tree.

D. The Christmas tree was chosen to represent this holy holiday
because it’s shape points the way to heaven.

1. Which Christmas tree fact is NOT true?

D. The Christmas tree was chosen to represent this holy holiday
because it’s shape points the way to heaven.

QQ: OK, so maybe it’s true, but the QuizQueen can’t prove that
fact, as reasonable as it sounds, because it wasn’t in any of
the literature she dug up for this quiz.

2. Can you name the popular Christmas song that was actually
written for Thanksgiving?

A. Jingle Bells

B. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

C. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

D. Away in the Manger

2. Can you name the popular Christmas song that was actually
written for Thanksgiving?

A. Jingle Bells

QQ: The song was composed in 1857 by James Pierpont, and was
originally called One Horse Open Sleigh. When you think about
the words make a lot more sense that way…

3. Electric Christmas tree lights were first used in what year?

A. 1865

B. 1895

C. 1905

D. 1932

B. 1895

QQ: American Ralph E. Morris had the bright idea that electric
Christmas lights would be safer than using candles.

4. Good King Wenceslas was king of what country?

A. Bohemia

B. England

C. Germany

D. Morocco

4. A. Bohemia.

QQ: Who knows why those Bohemians always get such a bad rep?
Although, history has it that Wenceslas, who lived in the 10th
century, was only a Duke, not a King at all.

5. In 8971, the New York Sun newspaper wrote a famous response
to a little girl’s question: “Yes, _______, there is a Santa
Claus.” Can you name that girl?

A. Mary

B. Charlotte

C. Vidalia

D. Virginia

5. In 8971, the New York Sun newspaper wrote a famous response
to a little girl’s question: “Yes, _______, there is a Santa
Claus.” Can you name that girl?

D. Virginia

QQ: Virginia O’Hanlon to be exact! Shame on you, if you missed
it.

6. Can you name Scrooge’s dead business partner from Charles
Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol?”

A. Jacob Marley

B. Tiny Tim

C. Bob Cratchett

D. Old William

6. Can you name Scrooge’s dead business partner from Charles
Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol?”

A. Jacob Marley

QQ: The first of four spirits to appear to Scrooge that fateful
Christmas Eve was that of Jacob Marley, his old business partner.

7. One of the pagan traditions that Christians have incorporated
into their Christmas celebration includes hanging mistletoe.
Which of these is NOT a former pagan belief?

A. Ancient Europeans believed that the mistletoe plant held
magical powers to bestow life and fertility as well as protect
against disease.

B. French girls used to slip branches of mistletoe beneath their
pillows to dream of their future husbands.

C. The Celts believed mistetoe brought about peace and goodwill.

D. Northern Europeans associated mistletoe with the Norse
goddess of love, Freya and developed the custom of kissing
underneath mistletoe branches.

7. One of the pagan traditions that Christians have
incorporated into their Christmas celebration includes hanging
mistletoe. Which of these is NOT a former pagan belief?

B. French girls used to slip branches of mistletoe beneath their
pillows to dream of their future husbands.

QQ: That was a tough one, wasn’t it? The QuizQueen is soooo
clever…

8. While today the Christmas tree is an enduring symbol of the
season, it wasn’t always a holiday tradition. Which historical
fact is NOT true?

A. According to legend, Martin Luther, the founder of German
protestantism, while walking through the forest on Christmas Eve
was so moved by the starlit fir trees he brought one indoors and
decorated it with candles to remind his children of God’s
creation.

B. In 1841, Prince Albert of Germany gave his wife, Queen
Victoria of England, a gift of a Christmas tree. This was
reputedly the first Christmas tree in England, but the custom
quickly spread.

C. German immigrants brought the Christmas tree to Europe, the
United States and Canada, where it soon became a popular
tradition.

D. On a bet, 11-year-old P.T. Barnum started hawking trees in
Connecticut in 1821, telling his marks they were all the rage.
Soon the fashion spread throughout the country and it became
tradition, thus establishing his maxim “There is a sucker born
every minute.”

8. While today the Christmas tree is an enduring symbol of the
season, it wasn’t always a holiday tradition. Which historical
fact is NOT true?

D. On a bet, 11-year-old P.T. Barnum started hawking trees in
Connecticut in 1821, telling his marks they were all the rage.
Soon the fashion spread throughout the country and it became
tradition, thus establishing his maxim “There is a sucker born
every minute.”

QQ: Good ‘ole P.T. Barnum did try to sell just about everything,
and may in fact have sold Christmas trees, but I doubt he sold
them at that age!

9. Many people are familiar with the term “The Twelve Days of
Christmas,” but not everyone knows where it originated. Can you
pick out the right explanation?

A. The Twelve Days of Christmas represents the number of days
Joseph and Mary traveled to Bethlehem.

B. The Twelve Days of Christmas represents the length of time
that the three wise men from the East traveled to reach Baby
Jesus after his birth.

C. The Twelve Days of Christmas represents the number of
reindeer pulling Santa’s sleigh.

D. The Twelve Days of Christmas represents the length of time
required to celebrate Good King Wenceslas’ birthday.

9. Many people are familiar with the term “The Twelve Days of
Christmas,” but not everyone knows where it originated. Can you
pick out the right explanation?

B. The Twelve Days of Christmas represents the length of time
that the three wise men from the East traveled to reach Baby
Jesus after his birth.

QQ: And you thought you didn’t learn anything practical in
Sunday school?

10. Who hasn’t wondered what “wassail” is and why people would
request it at Christmas. Let’s see if you can guess…

A. Wassail comes from the Old Norse “Ves Heill” and means “to be
of good health,” so when neighbors would visit on Christmas Eve
they would drink to each other’s health.

B. Wassail comes from the Old German “Ves Heill” and means “to
avoid Hell,” so loved ones would share this sentiment with each
other on Christmas Eve in preparation for the birth of Christ.

C. Wassail comes from the Old Celtic “Ves Heill” and means
“drink up” so is naturally associated with all party occasions.

D. Wassail comes from the Old English “Ves Heill” and means
drink of the angels and eventually became associated with
Christmas.

10. Who hasn’t wondered what “wassail” is and why people would
request it at Christmas. Let’s see if you can guess…

A. Wassail comes from the Old Norse “Ves Heill” and means “to be
of good health,” so when neighbors would visit on Christmas Eve
they would drink to each other’s health.

QQ: Sometimes The QuizQueen can be very, very silly.

11. Everyone loves to receive them, but dreads performing the
annual holiday ritual of sending Christmas cards. So who do we
NOT have to thank/blame?

A. Medieval Europeans who exchanged wood prints of religious
themes for Christmas.

B. English illustrator John Calcott Horsley who created the
first modern Christmas card in 1843 that depicted a family
celebration with the caption “A Merry Christmas and a Happy New
Year to You.”

C. German-American printer Louis Prang who made advances in
color lithography allowing him to mass produce colorful
Christmas cards in 1875.

D. Desmond Hallmark who had a surplus of cards left over from
Arbor Day depicting a fir tree and decided to unload them by the
box by simply printing Merry Christmas across the trees in red
ink.

11. Everyone loves to receive them, but dreads performing the
annual holiday ritual of sending Christmas cards. So who do we
NOT have to thank/blame?

D. Desmond Hallmark who had a surplus of cards left over from
Arbor Day depicting a fir tree and decided to unload them by the
box by simply printing Merry Christmas across the trees in red
ink.

QQ: While all except poor Desmond can be held responsible, The
QuizQueen truly blames Louis!

12. Remember that fuscia sweater Aunt Edna knitted for your
Christmas present last year? Don’t blame Aunt Edna, she’s not
the one who started the Christmas gift giving tradition, so who
is?

A. Those three wise men who visited the stable where Jesus was
born.

B. The ancient Romans who exchanged gifts to bring good fortune
for the new year.

C. Mark Antony who was always looking for new ways to please
Cleopatra.

D. The ancient Greeks who sought to placate the gods on Mount
Olympus.

12. Remember that fuscia sweater Aunt Edna knitted for your
Christmas present last year? Don’t blame Aunt Edna, she’s not
the one who started the Christmas gift giving tradition, so who
is?

B. The ancient Romans who exchanged gifts to bring good fortune
for the new year.

QQ: Of course, Aunt Edna is to blame for choosing that color.
You can’t blame the Romans for that.